JAKE CLELAND

To My Buzzband.

Derivative of

COMMUNICATION: A bit of fuzz is nice, and a snap and crackle is a bit of fun used sparingly, but take some pride in your work and let me actually fucking hear it! 

JUST CAUSE YOU’RE SIGNED NOW doesn’t mean you have the freedom to be an asshole. Compromise is inevitable (we’re all adults, sometimes) and trying out new things now that you have a little wiggle room on your new budget is fine, but don’t think this is an excuse to live out your Aerosmith dreams. Nobody wears scarves as well as Stevie Tyler.

HOOKS: You need them. Ones without filler.

COPING WITH RAMONAS: When one of you meets a girl, make sure she stays out of band practice. Keep your business separate from your personal. Never heard of The Beatles? What about Nirvana? THE DUDE WITH THE GIRLFRIEND GOT SHOT. Think about it.

THIS I PROMISE YOU: There will be a strict No Dance policy as soon as one walks over the threshold to the bar. Keep it in the pit, I’m drinking here.

BEING CAREFUL: I will always be careful at your stalls.

PADDY: Not enough Oi! influence in indie music these days.

JUST SAY THE WORD and I can be at the club to slip you out through the kitchen.

I’M GOING TO HOLD YOU TO THE SAME STANDARDS I HOLD MYSELF TO and I never wash my jeans until they’ve seen at least six epic nights.

YOU WANT TO NAME YOUR DRUMMER “DICK.” Great! Drummers are the Jim Belushis of rock. The goofier the better.

DON’T EVER STOP saying we’re the best crowd you’ve ever played to. It may or may not be true, but even when we’re old and our ears aren’t working anymore, we’ll never get tired of hearing that we turned your amp to eleven and we’re your only home-away-from-home. It’s one of the many reasons why I bought your 7”.

NAME CALLING: Diss tracks are encouraged. I liked Wavves a whole lot more after he (or his tour manager) allegedly punched the kid from Black Lips in the face.

HISTORY: Whether you’re appropriating civil war quotes to anchor your album in a greater national context or dressing up in Grenadier Guard coats, just make sure you avoid the same jingoistic bullshit that led to the Tea Party.

IF YOU DIE YOUNG it better not be at 27 because, dude, that is so over.

MERCHANDISE: No black tees with the band name on it, that’s boring and unwearable. Generally, wearing band shirts is a pretty bad idea, so instead of going for polyester billboard, try making something that I can take out of my wardrobe more than once a year because I haven’t done laundry in three weeks. If Ed Hardy can manufacture shirts that a zillion people want to wear surely you, “the artist,” can too.

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  3. douglasmartini said: This was absolutely brilliant.
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