Thoughts While Watching “Cooking The Books: Doogie Horner.”
Cute intro music. I like it when the screen splits into multiple parts like an episode of “24.” Why does that temperature dial only go to 60? Oh it’s the timer. Who’s Doogie Horner? Do I have time to Google him? Oh no, it’s starting. JESSE VENTURA! It’s Gould as in “Ghouled”, that’s embarrassing, I kept saying it like “Gold” on radio last week. She has a LOVELY smile. “I feel like they’re hiding something.” That’s a good one! America’s Got Talent is fuckin’ harsh. I love this guy. Australia’s Got Talent is five hundred times worse than its American counterpart. What’s new? Note to self: DOOGIEHAUS. I’m in the Doogie House. RUFF RUFF. Too much talking. “From whence does your interest in flowcharts spring?” I have a new message tone! “Those midgets!” Flowcharts are kinda done, but it seems like this guy got in on the ground floor. I’m obsessed with graphic representations of information, but flow charts never did it for me. Alright! Lemonlaid time! I hope he makes a flowchart for how to make it. There’s nothing I like more than thirty year old New Yorkers doing college things. There’s so many things I like more, but I do like it a little bit. Beer + vodka + lemonade, sounds great! I wonder if I have those things in my kitchen! No lemonade. Maybe I’ll just use milk instead. “Schlitz” is absolutely the worst name for a beer. This has as much comedy as any Jamie Oliver show has mawkish posturing (which is to say so far so enjoyable.) Remember Diggnation? Man, watching two dudes get drunk on a couch and reading the news sounds so unappealing but it was really pretty funny for a while. Lesson learned: garnish gets you laid. LIZZAID. Lizzade could be an energy drink. Drinking out of wine glasses! Fancyyy. Always turn up an hour and a half after the party starts. If you’re hosting a party it’s important to tell the unchill people that the party starts two hours after it actually does, otherwise they’ll turn up on time and you’ll have to entertain them until the chill people get there. Ugh. I’m gonna put this in our self-help book. Sexual tensiooooon. Is Emily wearing jeans or cut-offs? It’s pretty cold so I’m gonna say the former. She’s pretty cute, I wonder if she’s dating anyone. Am I the Justin Bieber of Tumblr? He’s got the right idea: drink first, dance later. Their fake drunk talk is like that scene in Family Guy that also involves alcoholic lemonade. OHHH I just got the premise of the show! Tao Lin has a book, this guy has a book, it’s a show about cooking with authors. I thought it was just a clever play on the idiom? I’m intrigued by this person who “literally reinvents pudding.” I guess I know what I’m doing for the rest of the day. Goddamnit, The Awl. You really are awl I need.
